Posted by b.t. on May 10, 1999 at 07:12:23:
In Reply to: what's going on? posted by Theo on May 09, 1999 at 23:16:20:
theo -
you mention being famous and well-known so many times that it almost seems you are obsessed with it. please realize that you are heaping extraordinary amounts of unnecessary pressure and angst onto yourself by having the idea that you will only be happy if you are a well-known cellist. i would venture to say most of the cellists who have the most renown these days did not have fame as a serious goal. they took their talent and worked with it to become as good as they could be, and then they let things take their course. theo, do you actually know what fame is like? do you realize that many of the people who have it wish they didn't? fame does not breed happiness, just as money doesn't.
you say it's "late." you're 15! i never got what i would call serious about the cello until i went to college, and i know others who are the same. i was too busy playing soccer or pumping quarters into video games. don't worry about trying to decide how much talent you have...it's a waste of time, and it's a question you'll never be able to answer. it will only cause you lost sleep. just work hard and see what happens. you have plenty of time to explore how the cello can fit into things. you don't even have to worry about picking a college for a couple of years.
have you really experienced all the things you say you'd "hate" to do? you should know that playing in a great orchestra, a wonderful chamber group, and teaching great students are things which are incredibly worthwhile since many people devote their lives to these areas simply for the love of being able to do it. remember theo, in music we are the lucky ones who actually get to do something we love. i don't mean to make your age an issue, but let me say that your posts tell me implicitly that you are too young to really know what it would be like to have a career in many fields of music...therefore, it's not realistic for you to eliminate all these options for yourself simply because you think you wouldn't enjoy anything except being a famous cellist.
it's obvious you've been through a lot, and you say you are not happy with your life, and that you wish you'd never been born. i can't say that i know your life, but if a friend of mine said those things to me, i would recommend that they seek help - those statements are a sign of depression. if you address the underlying reasons why you really feel that way - which have nothing to do with the cello - then maybe you can start to enjoy your life...and maybe you won't see being a famous cellist as a "cure" for your unhappiness, because it probably won't be, all by itself.
on the other board, i proposed the question to you: do you love music for it's OWN sake more than you love the idea of being famous? what was your answer to that question? your post makes it really sound like your answer is "no." i think if you are going to attempt a career in music, your attitude must be different than it appears to be right now. i'm glad you gave us all a little history on your life...i feel like i know you better. go talk to someone you trust and see if you can work out your general unhappiness with your life. everything will start to look up then. let's face it, life's too short to be unhappy, and you've got your whole life ahead of you, despite what you might think. good luck and stay in touch.
b.t.