CELLO CHAT PARODY

by "Oy-Oy"

Celloette: Hey, everybody! I'm unhappy with my rock stop. It slips sometimes. What do you all do?

Etude: I use a rectangular piece of wood that's attached to the chair legs by string. Works perfectly.

Nellie: But that's cumbersome! Just spit on your rock stop! I do, and people laugh, but then it sticks!

Toad: When I played for Starker in a masterclass he was like really stupid. I mean, he didn�t seem to appreciate my talent, even though I�ve already won a competition here! I have been praised in the local press as �Sri Lanka�s most promising young cellist.� But he sort of was nosing around with his endpin to find a good spot and muttered something about �spending my life in search of a good hole.� I laughed really loud. If people can�t take a joke, %$#@ �em! All these stuck-up *&@#$, acting snooty to me.

Sergeant Cello: Toad, I think you owe everyone an apology. No one needs or wants to read your attempts to be offensive.

Adagio molto espressivo: Ah, leave Toad alone. He makes things interesting around here.

Satchmo: Hey, lighten up! In the Air Force, we say REALLY bad stuff all the time! Especially when we're jammin'!

LoriWitch: The problem is that there are different surfaces. I can tell you, it isn't easy to be ready for every type of surface. Why just last week, I decided to play for my freshman theory class here at college. And the floor was cement! I had to think quickly, which fortunately is easy for me. I had this really fat girl move her desk over so that one leg (of the desk) was diagonal to my cello (which is Belgian, by the way, I named her Jeanie, for Jean Gerardy, get it?) and asked her to sit in it (the desk, not Jeanie). I had to make sure, when I played, that I didn't shove the endpin sideways in either direction, but that was OK. I think, if everyone just uses some creativity we can definitely overcome things. Believe me, it can be a complicated problem, but if you're in orchestra, quartet, opera orchestra, reading orchestra, piano trio, marching band, harp ensemble, and show choir, like I am, you find a way to get the endpin to stay.

WS: Actually, this is sort of like what my teacher in the Akron Symphony used to say about reeds. I don't play cello, but my son does. Did I mention I subbed once in the Detroit Symphony? Anyway, my teacher would tell me how making the perfect reed was like a religious experience, and it didn�t happen that often. That came back to me when I played �La Scala� with my conservatory orchestra. Kind of relates, doesn't it?

Joel: Aha! So you play oboe!!

WS: What gives you that idea? I never said that. And don�t try to find me either. I live in NY, by the way.

Fof: Excuse me Nellie? I thought I heard you say you spat on your endpin. What planet are you on? That's completely ridiculous. Rose used to tell me how disgusting it was when anyone did that. He once mimicked someone doing so, and I laughed so hard, I spilled my beer on Fournier, who tried to stand up, but he couldn't find his cane. If you want to know how to keep the endpin from slipping, you just spread your legs farther apart so you aren't gripping (and shoving forward) the instrument. If you were as gifted as I, you'd know that.

Carolina: Easy for a man to say. That's not a ladylike thing to do.

SuzyK: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???

Carolina: I just mean that women have a harder time holding the cello. Do I need to post anatomy diagrams on the board for you?

Sergeant Cello: Let's use some civility, people.

Stu Mallard: The problem may be with your endpin. On my Pressenda I use a tungsten carbide alloy endpin that seems to really dig in. But on my Nicogosian which has a different character, the graphite endpin works better. Sometimes I�ll use the Flexopad rockstop, but it depends what kind of strings I have on for that gig. With Aricores, which I use on the G and sometimes on the A if the soloist is amplified, the Bearclaw rockstop seems to work better.

David Sticka: Here in the Jacksonville Symphony, we all play so loud that the endpins eventually wear out and have to be replaced. Sometimes they give out right in the middle of a concert! You should have seen Balderdash trying to cope during the Mahler 6th! I hissed, "Yo, Steve! Doing your Bylsma impression tonight, eh?"

ProzacKid: Zounds! Who gives away precious JSO lore! That was supposed to be our private, bonding joke! I'm so upset now I may have to go break wind in Danny's face!!!!!

ESD: That's enough of that, guys. What I want to know is what I'm supposed to do about all these endpins my school district has. Between the 4 schools there are 19 cellos and 22 endpins! It makes me SO upset to see those endpins just SITTING there!!

Vector Sizer: If they're just sitting there, perhaps they're not sitting properly. Sometimes an endpin needs to listen to its natural impulses to find the proper balance. Try this: hold the endpin in your hand, loosely, and let it drop to the floor. Now pick it up and squeeze it really hard. Which feels more natural? You may want to investigate these and other endpin issues further at www.outtolunch.com.

Deo N: What I want to know is, which brand of rock stop will make me become a soloist the fastest? I've practiced all I can, and that's not getting me there. So I went to see Slava play, and he was on some sort of podium that had a strip of wood that kept the endpin in place. So I realize now that once you're a great soloist you don't NEED a rockstop! The trick is to figure out the kind you should use to BECOME a great soloist. So I went backstage and asked him. He didn't seem to understand the question, and just kissed and hugged the next guy in line. This has made me so depressed now that I'm contemplating something terrible. Doesn't Slava realize how badly I need to be a great soloist? Can't he understand that I would not be able to live with myself if all I did was play in the pathetic New York Philharmonic? All I was asking was what kind of rock stop he used as a student. And he basically blew me off. I think he's racist. And I KNOW he would have answered my question had I been a female! Just out of curiosity, does anyone know where you can purchase automatic weapons in Edmonton?

Peter Tsong: Deo, Deo, please, get ahold of yourself. First of all, Slava is the most wonderful, warm, caring person who has ever lived. Don't even get me STARTED on how great a cellist he is! If you don't believe me, look at the attached picture of us together! I've shown this picture to all my students and made them memorize the story of how it came to be taken, and who everybody else in it is. And as for rock stops, if you go to my website, you can compare the sound of my cello with the Flexopad rockstop (click on the sound clip of the Kodaly Sonata) as against the sound when I used the Bearclaw rockstop (Shostakovich Concerto). I think you'll be able to draw your own conclusions. But if not, just e-mail me.

Rob: What's the MATTER with you people? Don't you have anything interesting to talk about??? The ICS has a place for you. It�s called the Instruments & Equipment Board. Go there and leave us alone.

Tom Pinbolt: In my interview with Ofra Harnoy, she mentions that she did a photo for her next album where she wears only strategically-placed rockstops. Unfortunately she's lost her recording contract so it�s not coming out. But I was thinking we could sell some of the photos to raise funds for the ICS.

11/99

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